I can’t believe it but I have 1 more week before I go back to work. It did not hit me until tonight how very sad I am about this. In fact, I am tearing up just thinking about it.
It’s so weird too because honestly if you had asked me 3 months ago, I thought the total opposite. I remember in the beginning thinking “This is not what I thought it was going to be like” and wondering how I would get through maternity leave. I felt like I wasn’t cut out to be a mom and it felt like being a mom was so monotonous. I was counting down the days til I returned to work.
Every day I started getting more used to being a “mom” and every day I started falling more and more in love with Emma. Yes the days are still monotonous and sometimes even lonely. Imagine spending all day with a little baby that doesn’t really understand what you are saying and doesn’t do much of anything but sleep, eat, and poo. But every week she has started doing something new and it’s the most exciting thing ever. When you first bring a baby home, all they do is sleep and it’s like they don’t even see you. Emma would look everywhere but at me! Then one day…she looks at you! You can spend hours talking to them and it’s all silence on their end. Then one day they coo back to you and it’s the best conversation you’ll ever have! And the clincher is when they reward you with their first real smile. You will melt I promise. I can’t imagine when she starts laughing, says mama, or gives me her first hug. These are all things that brighten your day like you’ll never know!
Sometimes I still feel like I’m not cut out to be a mom. You wonder if you are doing things right. You wonder if you could be doing better. I’m definitely not a natural at this and it takes a lot of work on my end. But for the first time ever I do feel like a mom. And I totally love it. And I totally love Emma so so so much. I can’t even believe how much I love her!
So yes…I am totally sad now about going back to work. Especially with my long commute…I feel like I will barely see her on the weekdays. I am going to miss her so much! But a part of me feels like this is probably better for her. I kind of feel like I have to let her go so that she can grow. I know it’s young but I can already see if I stayed home with her she would be super attached to me and also I would spoil her way too much! I thought I would be the stern parent but honestly she has me wrapped around her finger. I also think it’s important for me to do something outside of taking care of her since when I am home with her I do not get to have any me time and it does take a toll on me.
Look at her! How am I going to leave my Emma Boo every day!!?? :(
So yes…motherhood was not what I expected it to be. And I know this is cheesy but it’s actually better than I could ever imagine!
Posted: 24 July, 2012 in Personal.