I keep saying this but really….I can NOT believe my daughter is 1 YEAR OLD! She is no longer a baby…she is a toddler. Before I know it she will be a teenager, going off to college, getting married. OMG things are moving too fast!!!

As I navigate parenthood, I find myself fluctuating between wishing she would hurry up and move onto the next stage while at the same time savoring every minute knowing this time is so short. She will not always want to cuddle with me, she will not always be so happy waking up in the mornings, she will not always be the innocent baby that could do no wrong.

I remember while I was pregnant, just constantly wondering what being a parent would be like. Let me tell you…what everyone tells you is exactly right. But no matter what people tell you, you won’t truly understand until you are going through it. NOTHING could have prepared me for this adventure that parenthood is.

(I can barely remember her being this tiny)

At the hospital, I remember thinking how surreal everything was. This little person was our baby. It still did not feel real. Let me tell you when it finally felt real. I think it was maybe a week into it, a few days after we came home from the hospital…Boyrobot and I were up in the middle of the night feeding Emma. At the time I was having trouble bfing and so we were feeding her formula with a syringe. Through the hormonal fog that is the first 2 weeks after giving birth, I remember thinking “OMG I cannot do this!” and “there’s never a break” and “how in the world have so many other people done this and gotten through it??”. I don’t remember what Boyrobot told me exactly…something along the lines of “we can do this”. And this we did.

Those first few weeks, I’m not sure if I felt “love” yet but with each milestone, each smile, each cuddle, that feeling that was so small I wasn’t even sure was there has grown to be bigger than anything I’ve ever known. My heart swells just thinking about her. Cheesy but totally true.

“Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

I won’t lie though…those first few months were HARD. As in, I was counting down the days until I returned to work! It did help to finally get the hang of bfing. That has been one of the most enjoyable parts for me surprisingly. I am not good or comfortable with kids. Bfing helped me gain confidence as a mother. It is not for everyone but if you are able to…I highly recommend it! Isn’t it cool that you can feed and soothe your baby with nothing but your body? Very empowering and it will automatically make you a favorite parent between mommy and daddy…haha!

Anyways, parenting is ultimately made up of a lot of hard parts and of course very sweet parts. Luckily, the good does outweigh the bad.

The hard parts

– Being woken up at 3am, in the deepest part of your slumber, to a crying, unsoothable baby. Babies can’t communicate so it’s a total mystery why they are crying sometimes and usually the 3am wakeups are the ones where none of the usual tricks are going to work. This is especially hard after you have gone back to work and your baby keeps you up for hours in the middle of the night!

– Going out to eat is never the same. In the beginning you hope and pray the baby sleeps through the meal. If not you are forced to get things to go and eat your cold, soggy food at home. Once they are older, you alternate eating with your spouse so the other one can entertain and tend to the baby.

– No breaks. Parenthood is a full time job.

– Entertaining them. The good part is pretty much anything and everything will amuse them. The bad part is their attention span is short so you quickly run out of things to do. And Emma was one of those babies that needed constant attention. There was no leaving her to play by herself without instant whining/crying. Also entertaining them can be really boring in itself. At this age, they can’t really “play”. For awhile Emma was really interested in having me stack some blocks and she would knock them down. It was hilarious the first 5 times…not so much the next 50 times.

(Back when Emma couldn’t sit on her own and had to use a Bumbo…playing with my measuring cups that are now her toy)

– The dreaded art of “putting down baby without waking them up”. This is one of the reasons why I cosleep. I never did master this! So you finally get baby to sleep and the minute you try to put baby down, he/she wakes up! It’s pretty much the most annoying thing EVER!

– Random fussiness about everything. Have you heard of this blog, Reasons My Son Is Crying? It’s pure genius and totally Emma. For awhile she would cry every time we changed her diaper, every time we put her in the car seat, every time we were in the car and it stopped, any time we weren’t holding her, if we tried to put shoes on her, if we tried to put a headband on her, if we gave her a bath, if we got a bottle within 3 inches of her mouth, if we tried to feed her formula, if she was in the stroller/baby carrier/carseat etc.

(Emma crying because we took her to the beach)

(Emma crying because we bought this new bouncer for her that she liked the day before)

The best parts:

– Her first smile and every smile thereafter. You will do anything for one of these smiles.

– Hearing her laugh really hard at something you are doing. Usually boyrobot really gets her going and it just cracks me up to see/hear them.

– Noticing parts of you and your spouse in her. This baby really is a mix of the two of you and you hope that she takes after the best parts!

– Watching her grow and start to interact with you. One of the first things I think babies like to do is to play peek-a-boo back at you. When they first start doing it, they always smile really big like they just learned the coolest trick. It’s awesome. Every milestone they reach is so exciting!

– Watching her develop feelings and showing love towards you. I pretty much just died when Emma started hugging her stuffed animals and kissing pictures. Also love when her face lights up after we come home from work!

– Having conversations with her. I can’t wait til we have real conversations but for now our babbling sessions are pretty entertaining! I wonder what she thinks she is saying to me! :)

– Experiencing new things with her. It’s so fun being able to introduce her to new things, foods, outings for the first time. The simplest things can completely delight her! Boyrobot and I keep talking about all of the places we want to take her and the things we want to do with her.

(first time on a swing)

It’s really hard describing the best parts of parenthood. The love you feel for your kids are indescribable. Especially at this age when they are just pure sweetness and innocence. It kind of makes me sad to think about her growing up and one day losing that. I really hope to make her childhood as fun, memorable, and magical as possible. Maybe then she won’t want to grow up so fast?? :)

So this past month has been pretty exciting. Emma has finally started really crawling…no more belly crawl. She has also started cruising and pulling herself up. This all means she is super mobile. I swear while we are sleeping she does a complete 360 throughout the night and ends up back in her original position by morning! This comic meant nothing to me before I had a kid and now I pretty much think this is the most hilarious (and true) thing I have ever seen.

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Emma especially loves “The Neck Scarf” and “H is for Hell”.

Some more pictures from this month

Emma and her cousin Xander. They are best buds!

Emma is too preoccupied to notice she is standing all by herself! As soon as she realizes she is, she gets really scared and cries. So cute!

A funny comic we made of Emma and her friend Jacob. If you are on Facebook you’ve already seen this but it brings me a smile whenever I look at it. The 2nd picture is so hilarious because it totally looks like she is trying to sneak her arm around Jacob!

Emma enjoying her 1st birthday present from her Auntie Tran (my sister). She loves her rocking elephant!

Today was her birthday and we had a fun filled day which I will blog in another post since this is getting long enough. :)